Biggest update today?
Myles. And how he is, still, completely infatuated with me.
It's so disturbing. Every time I turned around at work he was waving at me or yelling my name or something. I flipped my claddagh ring around hoping that he might take the hint but, psh, like he would have understood even if he did notice.

Him: Hi Kelsey!!!
Me: Hey.
Him: How's school going?
Me: Sucks.
Him: Awwww why?!
Me: ... 'cause it's school.
Him: Oh. You go to like Medfield or something, right?
Me: MedWAY.
Him: Oh. How's your car doing?
Me: She's fine.
Him: Oh. Is it still broken?
Me: ... No. How could you possibly remember that?
Him: So how's having your license?
Me: Good.
Him: Do you like it?
Me: No, I hate it.
Him: Hahahahahahahahaahahahaha you would hate all that freedom!
Me: ... Yep.
Him: You me and Johnny should go to a movie sometime soon.
Me: Maybe. I've been busy.
Him: Oh. So how's Max?
Me: We don't talk.
Him: Oh. Aren't you guys like bestest friends?
Me: No. That's Nick.
Him: Oh. When are you working 'til? Six?
Me: Nine.
Him: Oh. So do I get a hug?
Me: ... no?
Him: Awwwwwwww.

etc etc etc.
This is why I don't work up front anymore. The end.

Was gonna choke a bitch earlier today, but then miss Lacey love calmed me down and I had a fantastic rest of the night.
Thank you Lacey. <3
(Boooo why are all my friends at college?)

Moving on. What happened today?
Fire drill, it was hot as balls.
First IPEC class and it was freaking great, I can't wait until Tuesday. I'm with Alex Lee and Kevin.. Muench? Yes. We have a pretty average sized class, one that would probably prosper with even only one leader, but we have three so cool.

As I was driving Lizard home after school - which is totally illegal but what do I care? - we definitely drove riiiiiight by my mother on Village Street and I was sure I made eye contact with her but I guess she didn't see. Nash was in the car too so she was probably distracting Momma. Thank goodness gracious.
That only happened because my mom needed to get home early because of my eye appointment, and I beat her home even going from the school on one side of Medway to the other where Lizard's house is, then back to the middle where I live.
So close.

So we showed up late for the appointment because we got stuck behind one of those fucking elementary school buses that stops at every goddamn street and the occasional lawn. But we would have been late anyway, and they made us wait until maybe quarter past four when my appointment was scheduled for 3:30.
I really needed to get a new bag and a birthday present or two for Nick (and probably Chris Park because I didn't get him anything.. but he's okay with just hugs) but my mom and I both just felt like complete and utter crap, physically and emotionally. So I'll head back to the mall on my own once I have money and once that silly best friend of mine tells me what he freaking waaants.

PS. In response to the stuff in parentheses before, about Chris Park and hugs - did you know you're supposed to get 24 hugs a day? Then you'll always be positive, whether you want to or not. Parrella told us that in Creative Writing 'cause I brought in the poem "Hug O' War" by Shel Silverstein. She said they did a study on it and everything.
I basically thought that that was the best thing ever.

Kids over tomorrow? Kate, Dylan, Ryan, Chwishtopha, Parece, etc? Pancakes? Movies? Rain? Yes? Yessss.

Also, go watch 'Teeth.' It's the movie about the girl who has teeth in her vagina and she eats people's fingers and dicks and stuff. I'm pretty sure both Dylan and Brenna's sleeves were soaked from my tears, I was laughing so hard.
Love life. <3

Vicky got sick, and Auntie Cheryl got sick just from touching the vomit. Boo chemo you're so strong please make her better. Please?
Either way. Still love life. Still love you. And so on. <3

Hahahahaha Lacey.
Remember us, sitting on my bed, eating ice cream, and talking about people who suck?
Hahaha. I have some stories and they are SOOOO goooood hahaha.

Anyway, second day. Better than the first.
Actually did stuff in class, and talked to Max which was weird. I went up and kicked him in the butt and he was like "OH MY GOD I NEVER RECOGNIZE YOU" and we talked about how lame it was that we didn't have any classes together.
The end.

Then work, again. But I don't have to tomorrow. No, that's a lie, I do have to work, but I'm not going in because I'd rather go to the mall. Granted, it is mostly for LensCrafters, but there's some things I need to buy. My mom will be there for the school whatevers that I need, and then I need to get... you know, I only have five dollars, so she'll be buying the birthday present(s) and such as well.
Thanks momma I'll pay you baaaack. :]

First IPEC class tomorrow? Yeah I'm stoked.
Okay I ate too much candy corn and I have homework bye.

Shit, I didn't buy a card at work... must hit up CVS/Hallmark, too.
Note to self.

 

( 8th grade. )

( 9th grade. )

( 10th grade. )

I like reminiscing.
On to Junior year, shall we?

September 3rd, 2008.
I woke up in the WEIRDEST position. I was on my back with my knees bent, curled up to my chest. I've tried to sleep like that before but it never worked. Regardless, I only got a few hours of sleep and that was okay with me, up until around F period. But F period was Pre-Calc with Kelly Bliss and she's my favorite ever second only to Mr. Regan AND THOSE TWO, MAY I ADD, ARE LIKE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO RECOGNIZED ME TODAY. Even Ryan was confused. I ran up and hugged him from behind, so he obviously knew it was me, but when I said "turn around and give me a real hug," he just kinda looked at me like "... Kelsey?!" Same with Sex and everyone fucking else I saw today I don't even remember.

Jimmy Davock told me I look like a model. Hahahaha I kinda missed him. <3

No classes with Max, though he did poke me in the side and say "Hi Kelsey" this morning. It was weird. I guess I wasn't really expecting it but hey, couldn't hurt and it didn't.

Classes are lame but mostly 'cause we're not doing anything yet. Rich is in two.. three?.. a couple of my classes. It's strange seeing him, especially after what Amy told me, how he's all "I want to talk to Kate and Kelsey but I can't bring myself to. I'm the one that left them, they deserve better." I mean, that's such a Bob thing to say. But he's Rich now.. I mean, this kid was my favorite.

I'm content with who I have now, though. So if any former-friends choose to talk to me, then it's all for the better.

I'm excited for tomorrow. But for now, I need to amuse Johnny/Dylan and write a 350-500 word essay for Parrella about why I write. Cool beans.

Vicky started school today. Auntie Cheryl said she'd try to go in for a few hours, but I haven't heard anything since. She has her first chemo treatment tomorrow and radiation either Thursday or Monday. I'm gonna try to visit her on Friday while I'm in Natick.
'Cause she's home. Safe and sound in Wellesley. That's really all I could ask for right now.

All is going well. Toria's home and ready for treatment, Nick's doing well and has a class tomorrow morning, LACEY HAS A BOYFRIEND?!!?, Lennie asked me to visit him soon, and tomorrow I get to see all my babies and go out to dinner with TJ before he leaves. <33

And by babies, I'm mostly refering to Ryan.
I kinda wonder how it's gonna be when I see Max. We haven't talked since the last day of school and I don't know his schedule, but I'm assuming he'll be in several of my classes. I really just hope we're past that stupid awkwardness that plagued second semester last year.
I have a feeling it will be okay. I have a feeling that mostly everything will be okay this year.

And I'm excited.
I really, truly am.

Vicky's results came back.
Could be worse. But definitely could be better.
The cancer is stage III.


Stage III (23% of patients);
For Stage III Wilms' tumor, 1 or more of the following criteria must be met:

Unresectable primary tumor.
Lymph node metastasis.
Positive surgical margins.
Tumor spillage involving peritoneal surfaces either before or during surgery, or transected tumor thrombus.

Treatment: Abdominal radiation + 24 weeks of chemotherapy + nephrectomy after tumor shrinkage

Outcome: 95% 4-year survival; 56% 4-year survival if anaplastic.


[It's stage III because of lymphnode metastasis, and she sure won't need another nephrectomy because she only has one kidney left and the tumor itself is gone.]

We don't know if it's anaplastic or not yet. We obviously don't want it to be, seeing as there's nearly a 40% better chance of her surviving if it's not anaplastic.
Here's the low-down on anaplasia;

Children with stage I anaplastic tumors have an excellent prognosis (80-90% five-year survival). They can be managed with the same regimen given to stage I favorable histology patients.

Children with stage II through stage IV diffuse anaplasia, however, represent a higher-risk group. These tumors are more resistant to the chemotherapy traditionally used in children with Wilms’ tumor, and require more aggressive regimens.

Anaplasia refers to undifferentiated cell growth in a malignant neoplasms (tumors). Lack of differentiation is considered a hallmark of malignancy. The term anaplasia literally means "to form backward." It implies dedifferentiation, or loss of structural and functional differentiation of normal cells. It is now known, however, that at least some cancers arise from stem cells in tissues; in these tumors failure of differentiation, rather than dedifferentiation of specialized cells, account for undifferentiated tumors.

Anaplastic cells display marked pleomorphism. The nuclei are characteristically extremely hyperchromatic (darkly stained) and large. The nuclear-to-cytoplasmic ratio may approach 1:1 instead of the normal 1:4 or 1:6. Giant cells that are considerably larger than their neighbors may be formed and possess either one enormous nucleus or several nuclei. Anaplastic nuclei are variable and bizarre in size and shape. The chromatin is coarse and clumped, and nucleoli may be of astounding size. More important, mitoses are often numerous and distinctly atypical; anarchic multiple spindles may be seen and sometimes appear as tripolar or quadripolar forms. Also, anaplastic cells usually fail to develop recognizable patterns of orientation to one another (i.e. they lose normal polarity). They may grow in sheets, with total loss of communal structures, such as gland formation or stratified squamous architecture. Anaplasia is the most extreme disturbance in cell growth encountered in the spectrum of cellular proliferations.


Uncle Mike asked that we don't visit Victoria until she's home.
I miss my baby.

That is a boy holding a rugby ball.
Like a football, only bigger.

That's how big Victoria's tumor was.
As big as a rugby ball.
On her kidney.
Her wee little 6-year-old kidney.

...

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!?!

Victoria's surgery went well.
She now has one less kidney and one less tumor.
The end.

Roche Bros has honestly saved my life.
Like seriously.
The only things I have been able to keep down since Victoria's diagnosis are Pirate's Booty and Roche mashed potatoes and gravy.

No updates from Cheryl yet about the Dana Farber ultrasound. Hopefully she'll send us something before the surgery Monday morning.

If only, if only, the woodpecker cries
The bark on the tree was as soft as the skies
As the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely,
He cries the the moon, "If only, if only."


I had that suck in my head and had to write it down somewhere before I forgot it.

Anyway, schedule;
A - YR: Spanish IV (Honors); Coutu.
B - YR: World History (Acc); Rodgers.
C - S1: Creative Writing (Acc); Parrella.
C - S2: Study Hall; Collins.
D - YR: Chemistry (Acc); Pereira.
E - YR: IPEC Leaders (3, 5, 7); Murphy.
E - YR: Study Hall (1, 2, 4, 6); Tredeau.
F - YR: Pre-Calculus (Acc); Bliss.
G - YR: English III (Acc); Ryan.

I have the loves of my life (Parrella, Murph, and Mrs. Bliss), but I also have who the fuck is this Rodgers punk, andddd Pereira. So we'll see how well THAT goes.

I'm actually really anxious for school to start. I can't wait. I'm so excited to actually have something to do, somewhere to go every day. I'm going to work really hard this year. Last year everyone told me how much Junior year sucks and how it's so much work and I'll hate it, and that will probably be the case by the time I'm half-way through, but for now I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to the work. I'm looking forward to all this time by myself. I mean, who else is going to be there? Most of my friends are either in my grade, or going off to college, with a few exceptions in the sophomore class. They're what I'm looking forward to the most, I suppose. IPEC is going to be my break from everything. I want to see who's in my class and see if maybe Anthony or Ryan is a leader with me. Wouldn't that be ideal.

Whatever, I'll deal with school when it starts. I still have two weeks to wait, and with Victoria's cancer popping up, everything else - even the hell that is going to be Junior year - just seems so small.

My dad got an e-mail from Auntie Cheryl today;
Hi all. I just want to say thank you to all of you who have reached out and been there for us during these tough times. Your love and support have been like arms wrapped around our family and we feel truly blessed to have such wonderful and warm caring friends in our lives.

Update:

As you know, Victoria has been diagnosed with an abdominal tumor via ultrasound Monday night at Newton-Wellesley's ER. The only symptoms she had was a larger belly (I thought, finally, she is getting some meat on her - not the case).

Tuesday Victoria had a CAT scan and the following were the results:

Victoria has been diagnosed with a Wilms' tumor. This is a tumor of the kidney. The tumor has taken over her right kidney and both will be removed. The good news is that the CAT scan does not show any nodules in her lymphnodesmor her lungs and her left kidney looks good.

Dr. Shamberger, Chief Surgeon at Boston Children's Hospital, will perform the eight hour operation on Monday 8/25. Recovery will be at least a week in the hospital for this operation with the first few days in the intensive care unit.

Along with Dr. Shamberger we met with a team from Dana Farber/the Jimmy Fund who is directly affiliated with Boston Children's Hospital. We were informed chemotherapy (and possibly radiation) will be needed after the surgery. She will have a central line placed in her chest during her surgery on Monday so she will be able to recieve her chemo treatments with ease in the upcoming year. Chemo treatment will be based on several things, mainly what stage (1, 2, 3, or 4) the cancer is and we don't know that until they do testing on the tumor after removal which will take several days after surgery for the results to come back from the lab. She will be able to attend school while recieving treatments.

Our team from Dana Farber/the Jimmy Fund is based on what type of cancer Victoria has. Dr. Lisa Diller is the covering Wilms' tumor specialist and depending on what day we can get into the city to get chemo treatments, etc., will determine what team from Dana Farber will be assigned to us (too far in the future to think about, we need to get through the surgery).

Thursday of this week we will be going to Dana Farber so they can perform their own ultrasound in preparation for surgery. Victoria will be admitted to Boston Children's Hospital on Sunday 8/24. We will meet the anesthesiologist and surgical team and Victoria will be prepped for surgery for Monday morning. I will be staying with Victoria for her entire stay in the hospital. We are going to have a "girls week in the hospital and read lots of books and watch lots of videos."

My parents who live in RI have Michael who is doing well as expected and Mike has the next few weeks off from work. Victoria and I will take off and go to RI to spend time with Michael tomorrow. THAT'S the latest update. Many of you have guided us, called in favors and gotten us VIP status at Children's and have just been so unbelievably supportive. Mike and I cannot thank you enough. Everyone wants to know what they can do and Mike and I are asking for prayers. Please pray for Victoria. She WILL be fine and she WILL survive and I will keep you all posted as things progress.

With much love,
Cheryl.


I think the suckiness of this has been magnified because Victoria really is my Mini-Me. She is me 10 years ago. Honestly, just change the eye color from brown to blue, and she's a spitting image of me.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be as upset had it been Emily instead - no, no, I'd be heartbroken if it was Emily. I'm heartbroken that it's Toria. I just feel that Toria's been so... attacked. Emily couldn't have gotten this tumor. Michael couldn't have gotten this tumor. CJ couldn't have gotten this tumor. If I remember correctly, the Wilms' tumor only affects children aged a few months to eight years, with the mean diagnosis age being about 3 1/2. Victoria is the only one that falls into that category. If Danny or Riley or Madi had it or any of the symptoms, we would know by now. Vicky's the only possible victim.

She's always been a sweetheart. And she really is a replica of me. I wish I had gotten a more recent picture, but since my computer crashed I don't have any of her on my hard drive, so I had to scan an old Christmas card.

Here's her and Michael, within the past two years;


And here's me, age 5;



Yeah. She's a Driscoll, alright.
My brother just texted me to make sure I was okay. I've never seen him this upset. Ever.

I am not getting any sleep over the next two weeks, I can almost guarantee that.

My cousin Victoria has cancer.
She's seven, too, but on my dad's side.
They found a tumor on her kidney.

I need to go get my schedule.



Edit; Vicky's six. Seven next month.


Edit x2; The Wilms' tumor is highly responsive to treatment, with about 90% of patients surviving at least five years.
Is that supposed to make me feel better? Honestly?
Fuck you, Google. Fuck you.
Fact is, it's a malingant tumor. And within the next four or five years, I'm going to lose my baby cousin.

Toria's going into surgery Monday, to remove her right kidney and find out if the tumor has spread anywhere else, like her lymphnodes. If it's restricted to the kidney, she'll start chemo. If it's anywhere else, then she needs to undergo chemo and radiation.

I love you, Victoria. Stay strong, baby cuz. <33

So, party with my Mom's side of the family today for my aunt's birthday. I've never been too fond of these people. I love my aunts and I love my grandmother and I love Uncle Kev, but I feel so pressured to impress everyone and act all mature and make sure their needs are met. Especially Kate and Bryan, they're the biggest pushovers ever and they have fits when they don't get their way.

And Jade. God, poor Jade... Bryan and Vanessa's daughter, so my first cousin once removed. She's 7 now. I hardly recognized her when I saw her, but when I showed up she was immediately saying, "Hi Kelsey! *waves* Wanna see the minnows we caught? I cut my hair. You did too!"

Not to mention, when I was sitting with Jade and talking to Vanessa while we were eating, she mentioned how she still had a picture that I drew for her of her holding Jade right after she was born. I was about nine then. So I said how I remembered when Jade was little, and how big she had gotten, and how I didn't even remember the last time I saw her.

"I do. I remember. I was five and we played with domino's at your grandma's house. Remember the dominos?"
"Oh, yeah, I remember the dominos, Jade."

I feel terrible for neglecting her just because I'm such an outcast in that family. They're all so... so mature. But at the same time, so depressed.
Let's be serious here. I was sitting on the swings with Jade, this adorable little 7 year old getting ready for her first day of second grade, with her curly blonde hair and freckled nose, and she was telling me stories. She was telling me stories about her cousins fighting, and "you know how teenagers are," and people breaking things and chasing their fathers with baseball bats, and "you know how parents drink a lot of beer, right?"
And then the worst was when she asked, "Did you hear me earlier saying that Nathan was at his grandma's?"
So I said that no, but I was wondering where her big brother Nathan was.
"Well you know how he's special needs and stuff? And how he's always saying that he wants to kill himself?"
I said yes, even though he's only ten and I had no idea that his problems had gotten that bad.
"Well we had to give him up to a special holding place with a big gate around it, and when we left he ran up to the gate crying and I had tears in my eyes and when my mom saw me she took her sunglasses off and started crying, and I was sad to leave Nathan but he's been in there for a few days and that's too long for him, but I know he needs to go so he can get better, but we're going to go and have a family meeting there in a few days and my Mommy is going to fight to get him back because he needs to know that we love him."

He's ten.
She's seven.
Baby Chase isn't even three yet.

Kate is pregnant and due in December, but I don't think she and Ricky will be good parents either.

I'm so happy that on the other side of the family, Riley has Beth and Justin, Madison has John, and Danny has Michelle and Jay. They're good parents. And they're going to be good kids.

And my ten year old cousin is suicidal and in a home for it. And his seven year old sister knows all about it and thinks that stuff like suicide and alcoholism and violence are just parts of life.
Oh my god.

"I like to think I have happy children. At least, for the most part."
- Mom.

I'm sorry.

In the midst of 'The Dark Knight' coming out and finally seeing the True Hollywood Story about his life and Brokeback Mountain being on tv the other day and watching the entirety of 10 Things I Hate About You on YouTube and ughhh Heathhh. :[



[Hi Lacey. Cry with me?]

Awesome summer so far.
I'm such a pathetic fucking idiot sometimes.

I see you a lot, but we rarely talk. I used to like you a lot and I know that at one point, maybe even several points, you felt the same. Months ago. A year ago, maybe. You now have a girlfriend. You are extremely attractive but I no longer have any interest in you. I hope to God the poor girl realizes how unfaithful you are. I'm not implying that you've cheated or anything, how would I know? All I see is you talking to this girl, talking to that girl, and I see the looks you give me. Today, especially, and let me tell you this - I did NOT even look that good. But I couldn't even count the times I caught you looking at me today. I thought so highly of you when we first met. I absolutely adored you, but then I got to know you. You paid no attention to me, when really all I wanted was for you to acklowledge my presence, maybe just once. Instead all you did was hurt me. You are not available, and neither am I. At least not to you.
And that kills you.
Don't do this to me.

I don't hate you.
I love you.

And you can thank Mike Conrad for this because I saw him today and he kinda just makes everything all better sometimes.

Just get it over with.
I need this.

What the fuck have you ever done for me?
I would KILL just to have you defend me. Once. Just once.
Just so I can have this whole fucking situation off my shoulders.
Even when we were close, even when we were inseperable,
you never never never ever defended me.
Just ONCE could you PLEASE be a good person?
Fucking hell just ONCE.

I need to get my priorities straight.

Quite literally, the highlight of my day every day is going to lunch, sitting next to Ryan, and going through our ritual of me staring at his sandwich until he gives me what he won't eat and moves on to his fruit by the foots.
And I don't even like roast beef.
Like, it makes me sick.

I feel so sick.

One more week until the summer that I know will be nothing like I had planned/imagined.
Will it?
Can it please?
Oh my god so so so sick...

Happy Birthday, Erik.
The big 1-8.
I miss you.